I am officially an alien!

So, after giving up sleep, money and blood, my efforts have paid off. I have finally become recognized as an alien! My little emoticon is now truly indicative of me! Sting's song "Englishman in New York" has been playing over and over in my head as my personal theme song for the day.

Today I got my alien registration card from the Korean Immigration Bureau. I feel like a real person now! I have a recognized ID in this country. Yay! If only I'd known that the awful passport picture I took in Costco was going to be on an ID...

Speaking of Costco, if you were totally curious (and I'm sure you were just waiting to hear this), Korea has Costco here. Now, you may think you've seen Costco, but you've seen NOTHING until you've seen Costco in Korea.

For starters, my Korean coworker who had invited us along on this merry shopping trip told us allot about 4 hours for the experience. I didn't really believe her because really, how long can Costco possibly take? Sure, we had to drive there, but it was only about 30 minutes away. Who can really spend 3 hours in a warehouse grocery store?

The answer to that: ALL OF KOREA!!!

My first hint about how things were about to go started when we got about a block away from Costco and my coworker pointed to the right hand lane. "That's the queue." (she's Korean, but learned English in London)

Us (being myself and the other new teacher whom I hang out with a lot. He really needs a name, don't you think? Maybe I'll call him Desert Boy, since his desert upbringing makes him somewhat allergic to Korean cold weather- we complain about it a lot together. Btw, thank you to Britt for the idea of blog names) : "The line for what?"

Korean coworker: "To get into the parking lot."

Us: "..."

Whereupon Korean coworker's husband tried to cut the line. This then lead to us being schooled by one of the six men directing traffic into Costco. We had to go around again.

(Starting to get the idea?)

As it turned out, there was another line, so we got into that one. We only had to wait 20 minutes to get into the parking lot after that! And then I discovered one of the most fascinating mechanical devices I have seen since the advent of the cell phone.

Car elevators.

They exist. And they are totally terrifying. I can only be incredibly grateful that I am not claustrophobic and that I was not driving. As it was, I am not sure that I ever want to experience driving into a tiny space, getting closed in and then lurching upwards in a slowly rocking car again. (I'm not sure why our driver didn't throw the parking break)

Then there was Costco itself. On the first floor you had your standard non-food items and this all seemed relatively calm. Korean coworker directed her hen-pecked husband to take the shopping cart and stand in the the line that snaked around the perimeter of the store. This was the line to get downstairs, to the food. Then we took to browsing the aisles for the next 20 minutes while poor husband was standing in line. When husband reached the moving ramp, we joined him and moved into the food basement.

It was nightmarish. People were crammed into the aisles, shoving past each other to get to food and get by. There was a line to walk from one aisle to the next. I have never been accidentally touched by so many people in a grocery store before. Desert Boy got almost pushed over by a cart, which may have then led to imminent death, and both of us got rather bruised ankles from too many aggressive shopping cart drivers. Hen-pecked husband continued to wheel around the perimeter while we went about collecting items and returning to the home base to drop things off. I felt a little bit like a bee, or an ant.

So, grand total, the trip took us from 1:40 PM to about 5 PM. So maybe not quite 4 hours, but closer than I would ever have liked it to be.

snafus

I'm dedicating this post to hilarious snafus that occur when people are learning a new language/culture.

Every week, my elementary school students write a journal entry. Today, one of them finished her entry with:

THE AND

My coworker had a student write in her journal:

My best friend's name is Diana. Diana is my best friend. I like Diana because Diana is my best friend. My best friend is Diana.

In Korea, it is polite to put one hand on your lower arm when you are handing something to someone, especially money. When I was at the bank, I tried to hand my passport to the bank teller, but accidentally put the hand that I was holding my passport in on my arm and handed her... my hand.

I was given a notebook at the beginning of my training to write stuff in. (What stuff, I have yet to discover, so it must be classified, mysterious stuff). The words on the cover are:

I'm NOT Okay.
Anger at yourself while failing to do your best is good because it will make you try harder next time.

Every day I ask my kindergardeners how they are feeling. Then I draw a face next to their name on the board that depicts that emotion. Recently, my kindergardeners learned parts of the body and so whenever one of them wants a nose on their smily/frowny/angry face, they tell me:

I am nose. I am nose.

Whenever anyone's elementary students are confused by something, they will ask:

This is what? Teacher, this is what?

I've gotten so used to thanking people in Korean that it seems to have replaced Hello for me. This means that I keep walking into stores and saying Thank You instead of Hello.

So yeah. That's all for now. Cheers!

P.S. Please comment if you want to say anything! I don't have any magical powers to see who has read the blog, so if you have anything to say, please say it. People keep talking to me over email and skype about the blog entries- put your responses here! I like to feel loved.

Guess I got a case of the Mondays

SNOW???????!!!!! I demand a refund! Of warm weather. Everyone in Korea says that they've never had snow this late. AHEM, GLOBAL WARMING, AHEM.

I may be a little miffed about the lack of warm weather. I'm just tired of jackets, that's all. Well, that and always shivering. I have this irrational fear that it will still be snowing in May. Then I will simply have to cry. And then kill the god of cold weather and kick some global warming ass.

For any of you who have been dying to hear how catastrophically the field trip went, I cannot actually deliver any particularly amazing stories. The children were remarkably well behaved and I didn't accrue any new injuries. The puppy show itself (which was remarkably devoid of dogs) was rather boring from a linguistic point of view, though there was one particular moment in which I was suddenly forcibly reminded of myself. This was when a white masked puppeteer emerged from behind a structure. The puppet that it confronted was momentarily afraid, then started asking it questions in rapid Korean. To this, the white masked puppeteer responded by cocking its head and then signing a response. IT WAS THE WHITE DEVIL! That's what I do every day! Maybe I am actually a strange Korean spirit thing. Amazing, what one learns about oneself in a foreign country.

The weekend was a much needed respite from the week. I saw a Korean/Irish St. Patrick's Day parade which was quite entertaining- just imagine a bunch of somewhat drunk Koreans and ex-pats dressed in green with face paint and bright green wigs hanging out in a square in the middle of a bunch of high rises. Public drinking is legal in Korea, so everyone seemed to have a beer in hand. Maybe I'm a prude, but 2 pm on a Saturday just seems to early to be drunk...

Also, I got my first taste of yellow dust season. Korea has the misfortune of being east of China, which is downwind in the jet stream. This means that from March to May, there is this strange phenomenon where yellow dust from the northern desert in China comes blowing into the sky of Korea. It turns the sky yellow and creates acid rain. Yum. I couldn't really get a good picture, but I have never seen clouds that color before. Poor lungs.

In other news, one of my hellions punched me today.

In the face.

He may be dead.

Culturally Hilarious

Whew. Thursday down. It's almost the weekend. I'm tuckered out and ready for a rejuvenating St. Patrick's Day festival on Saturday.

Things seem to be settling down on the work front. My elementary children are calming down a bit and I've figured out the punishment and rewards system enough for them to start paying attention to me. The older ones have stopped flipping each other off openly, which I consider a personal accomplishment. Now I need to get them to stop beating each other every moment I look away. And I'll have to get that done pretty quickly, considering as I'm going to be observed tomorrow by my supervisor. Eek! I fear her critique. Who would think such a sweet woman could be so scary? Maybe she'll scare my kids as much as she scares me?

My kindergardeners... well, at least the hellions stay in the classroom about 50% of the time now. And they no longer throw their food, for which I am extremely grateful, considering the snack we had last week that had the consistency of cheerio milk dregs. (It tasted like that too- blech). Tomorrow I don't have to deal with them, which is a mixed blessing, since the trade off is that I'm in charge of my other kindergardeners on a field trip to a puppet show. Though it's easier to keep those nine in check than the crazy three. We'll see how it goes. Another kindergarden class has latched onto the idea that it's a puppy show, not a puppet show- I hope they're not upset tomorrow when they find out that there are no cute small dogs. Just floppy dolls jabbering in Korean. Us foreign teachers have been told to not get distracted by the show, since we're really supposed to be watching the kids, but I don't think there's much of a chance that we'd care much about a puppet show in Korean. I don't even much like them in English.

I love some of the interactions I have with my Korean coworkers. There's one in particular who is hilarious. She always want to talk about cultural differences and somehow we got on the topic of horses yesterday. She told me that she'd never ridden a horse (horseback riding is generally considered dangerous in Korea and is rather rare) but she'd learned from a television show that white horses are white because they are old and have faded. I was somewhat confused, given that I have certainly seen young white horses and I told her that there are white horses that are born white. She seemed shocked that the television had lied to her and told me that she was going to look it up. Then she said that if I was wrong, she was going to kick me!

This is actually a running joke, she likes to tell us that if we don't do something, she will punch us. This was made more hilarious by the fact that one of the kids we both teach wrote a journal entry in which she said "I love my mom but my mom punches me."

After I laughed for a little while, my coworker looked thoughtful and told me that she doesn't hurt girls. So if I am wrong, she's going to kick one of the male foreign teachers instead of me.

:P

I have a whipping boy! Go me!

A Land of Many Mini Mountains

Woah! I've been trying to figure out what to put in this post and I realized that it's been too long since my last one and there is too much to say. Sigh. So much to say, so little sleep.

Let's see. The highlight of last week's teaching experience: One of my first graders lost a tooth on Thursday. It was both exciting and extremely traumatizing. The excitement is easy to explain, it's always kinda fun whenever a kid looses a tooth, and she was really pleased about it. The tooth coming out also meant that she pulled a finger out of her mouth that was covered in blood, which caused the other girls to scream and me to laugh evilly in the corner. However, it was terrifying for a moment because the kids had been playing around a bit and I was convinced for a brief second that she'd lost her tooth because the rowdy girl in that class had punched her in the face. Could I get fired for one of my students mauling another on my watch?? I swear, my heart stopped for a minute until I remembered that children loosing teeth is not necessarily indicative of abuse.

An update on the hellions: my worst child is apparently convinced that he is a dinosaur. When they run away to the gym, he climbs up to the highest point and growls and roars at everyone. This information has lead me to a new technique for attempting to get the hooligans back in the classroom; I now try to lure them back in with dinosaur books. This partially works- on Friday I got them into the classroom and even got them to sit still and listen to the book, but as soon as it was over they ran away again. Maybe someday I'll get them to stay in the classroom through a song. However, my school has recognized the difficulty I'm having with these monsters, so now there is a Korean teacher assigned to help me out with them for my second period with them. The plan now- I'm just cramming two lessons into second period and attempting to keep them from dying when I'm the only one in charge during first period. Thank goodness I only have them for an hour and a half.

In outside of school news, I had more naked time this week. In fact, it was more naked than last time since I was naked too. I went to a spa with my coworker and her friend and we spent a good two hours chatting in the nude while surrounded by nude Korean women. It was a little bit intimidating, but extremely warm and relaxing. I also ate something there which was perhaps my strangest enjoyment of Korean food thus far. It was called Cheesyramen and it was exactly that. You wouldn't think that spicy ramen would go well with the Korean equivalent of Kraft singles (of which many of you know I have sworn life-long hatred), but it does. I don't know why, and I don't expect you to understand until you too have been pressured into trying it.

Did you know that they have a steam treatment for your "hips" (they have a somewhat different definition for hips than Americans do)? The women go into a room and chill out wearing pink full-body shopping bags and sit over individual holes which blast mugwort steam at them. It's supposed to be cleansing...
Also, for only twenty thousand won (about 20 bucks) you too can pay an older Korean woman to scrub you until your skin is bright red! Those women have it out for dead back skin. Beware the scrubbing mitts. My coworker's friend got it done and she looked 3rd degree sunburned by the time the Ajuma (older Korean woman) was done with her. I feel like it's something for hygienic masochists.

And as for the title of this post: On Saturday I went skiing. I have to say, I have always wondered why Korean art has so many random hills popping out of the flatlands portrayed in their ancient art. However, after a few weeks here, that is no longer the question in my mind. There are, in fact, tons of random little hills that just pop out of the ground here. The question in my mind now has to do with the insanely tall and steep mountains they always use as backdrops. It's true, Korea is made up of a ton of mountains- almost 70 percent of the landmass is mountains, but these mountains, they just aren't... well... tall. Or steep. They're kinda pansy mountains.

What this means for skiing is that their hardest slopes are about intermediate level in America. What this doesn't mean is that Korean skiers are pansies. They make up for their short and gentle slopes with killer technique. And it doesn't mean that the skiing isn't fun. It was great, and hilarious, since they play Korean pop at you while you're on the lift.

So yeah. I'm off to bed, before I push it so late that I fall asleep while attempting to stave off the dinosaurs.

Snow? What happened to cherry blossoms?

I can't decide if I'm currently enjoying the view of snowflakes falling past my apartment window, or hating the fact that it's snowing. In March. Where is my spring???? Damn you Punxsutawney Phil!!! (yes, that is how you spell it- I looked it up on the ultimate source of knowledge... Wikipedia).

On that note: Do Phil's predictions extend as far as Korea? If not, what Korean rodent do I have to blame for this travesty?

There is a magic that the other foreign teachers and I want to learn. It is the magic of being a Korean teacher. Somehow, all the Korean teachers have the ultimate sway over their charges that my white coworkers and I can only wish to emulate. I may think I am in control of a classroom, because only 3 of my 9 children are out of their seats and at least 5 are responding to my questions- but when a Korean teacher steps in to help me out, all of the sudden all of my children are in their seats, looking at me and doing everything I say. And they aren't talking while I'm talking. HOW DOES THIS WORK??? WHAT MAGIC DO THESE WOMEN POSSESS??? The other three foreign teachers agree- the Korean teachers must be beating the children while we aren't watching.

Only thing of excitement to report is that I have survived using public transportation by myself. In case you were wondering, Korea has a great public transit system and possibly the most brilliant way of paying for it ever. They have these cards that you can buy in any corner store or on the street as phone charms and you can swipe them on any bus or train and even some taxis. It's a miracle. And it's super cheap too. I can take three bus rides and two train rides for less than 5000 won (approximately 5 dollars).

I wish everything were that cheap. Oddly it isn't. There is a weird dichotomy between what is expensive and what is dirt cheap. For example netbooks: $500-600, DVDs: $2 (though probably all illegal...), Korean sushi (gimbap): $2.50, bananas: $5
I don't really understand. Guess Korea's sort of between Japan and China and can't decide whether its a pricey 1st world country or a discount 2nd world country. Poor Korea- between Japan and China seems to be the story of its life.

Oh god, it just keeps snowing. Sad face.

Three Little Devils and A Lot of Naked Women

Oh man. Crazy few days. I wonder if things will eventually calm down. I go to bed absolutely exhausted every night.

The devil children were at it again. They seem to be getting worse before they get better. No one at the school knows what to do with them, since they're simply too young to be in school right now. Yesterday was quite an experience with them. The one who had been crying inconsolably for the last few days calmed down enough to stay in class. I thought this was a good sign but oh how wrong I was...

It started with him throwing the game we were playing on the floor and then giggling when I told him no. This then escalated into the standard drill of me chasing him and the other two up and down the hallway, with them going three different directions. Cornered them all in the gym for a little while, but that didn't last long. When I eventually herded them all back into the classroom, we started coloring. This worked out fine for about a minute before the same child jumped up and found himself a pair of scissors. The other two thought this was an excellent idea, so all three went running around with scissors, laughing and screeching and cutting anything they could find. Let me tell you, it is very difficult to barricade a door and wrestle scissors out of the hands of three 4 year olds, but there was no way those buggers were running up and down the hallway carrying pointed objects. They nearly gave me a heart attack as it was.

Once I got the scissors away, they went for the crayons, and then knocked over all the chairs, and then found the glue sticks and started gluing the floor and the board and themselves. This was all interspersed with various attempts to calm them down and various escapes up and down the hallway. By the time the bell rang for snack time (40 minutes had gone by), my classroom looked like a tornado had hit it. The snack- cherry tomatoes- also got added to the chaos, they started throwing the tomatoes as soon as I put them down. The only saving grace was that there was a shelf in the room high enough to confiscate everything, since four year olds aren't very tall.

I believe I will simply have to kill these children. Especially Mr. Crybaby/Troublemaker. Once they are all corpsified, I can teach them English. At least then they'll stay in the classroom. And their mothers will thank me.

In other entertaining news, yesterday my coworker and I went looking for gyms (not for me obviously- I am allergic to them, but I was bored and down for wandering). We ended up at this one gym that he wanted to tour and so we managed to communicate our wishes to the staff through broken English, Korean and sign language. All seemed to be going well until we got to the showers. Then the guide pointed at the men's showers and said "Boys", and then at the women's showers and said "Girls". This made sense, and I said so, but then the guide pointed me to the women's showers and directed my coworker to follow him.

I figured we had to go through to get into the gym, so I started wandering through. Suddenly there were naked Korean women. Everywhere! And so here I am, this random clothed American chick, wandering through a sea of naked Asian women. And I kept making wrong turns that dead ended in lockers and naked women staring at me. Finally, I get to what looks like the way through, but I go in and suddenly find myself in a huge sauna. This was also a dead end. With more naked women.

By this time, it occurred to me that maybe I was just supposed to be looking at the place, seeing as this was a tour and all. So I sloshed back out, socks in hand, through the maze of lockers, showers and naked women. My coworker and our tour guide were extremely confused and entertained by my rather damp and late reappearance.

So, my first week of being a teacher is over! Crazy. You know, I still feel guilty assigning homework... though I get a gleeful evil pleasure out of it too. Onto the weekend and recuperation!

I live!

Not dead yet!

Though it may be amazing to believe, I have in fact survived my first two days as an official teacher. Huzzah. I must say, it was a near thing- today I spent the first hour and a half of the day chasing my two kindergarteners while the third one cried inconsolably in the arms of practically every Korean teacher available. It really is awfully hard to chase children when you are not allowed to run. They aren't either but... well, let's just say if they get in trouble, they get put in time out or lose a sticker. I have a much higher risk here.

Even so, I did survive them, even if it meant chasing them from the jungle gym to the classroom to the water jug and back again. I am even fairly sure they learned the word hello- they were taunting me with it as they threw balls from the ball pit at me.

In other news, I am very proud of myself and my excellent hunting skills. Today I went into no less than three grocery stores searching for the ingredients for baking muffins. I was bound and determined to find those ingredients, even though the search for baking soda almost brought me to tears. Imagine running through a store the size of Costco, filled with hundreds of people who don't speak your language and wondering if they use baking soda in Korea. I did eventually find it without asking for help (didn't know baking soda in Korean, otherwise I totally would have asked- this was not a matter of pride). Unfortunately, I did have to settle for vanilla powder and margarine, but I imagine they will produce muffins that still taste like muffins.

One thing I did realize after my epic shopping adventure (which took approximately 1.5 hours)- my toaster oven doesn't have temperature settings... we'll see how this muffin thing goes.

A side effect of teaching that I did not expect: I am developing a love-hate relationship with hangman. On one hand, it is an excellent way to kill time and practice letters and spelling in my elementary classes. On the other hand though, there is really only so much hangman one can take before one is forced to reconsider the purpose of one's life. Did I really get my bachelor's degree just so I could play this rather gruesome game four times a day?