Yoga Quest

So, with two months under my belt and the vocabulary of a one year old with a bad accent I recently decided that it was time to venture forth and go where no one has dared go before. Yoga class.

Now, with all things in Korea, this is easier said than done. I first got the idea from a Korean coworker who was doing something called "hot yoga" in a nearby gym. While this sounded like utter madness to me at first (hot yoga takes place in a sauna at about 88 degrees), as the days remained cold, I decided to give it a shot. It seemed pretty easy to find- she said that the gym was right across the street. However, if you think this is easy, you are perhaps unaware or forgetting (as I did) that Korea exists essentially in vertical space, not horizontal. So across the street left me with three corners to choose from, each with a ten or more story building packed with at least ten retail options per floor.

After about a week, I managed to locate the place, but then shied away after the $300 for 3 months price tag was revealed. The quest continued. Now, with the hot yoga idea lodged in my brain, I resorted to taking pictures of hot yoga advertisements and pulling tabs off flyers. These attempts led me to all Korean websites (again, not terribly helpful) and got me phone numbers with confused Koreans on the other end of the line, not understanding a word of English that I desperately babbled at them. Psh. Story of my life.

I did eventually manage to navigate my way around one of the Korean websites and was able to (sort of) figure out the address of one of these yoga places. This is actually one of the lovely things about being able to read Korean- it's a really easy alphabet to learn and then there are all sorts of words that are actually English ones written in Korean. Thus, reading the address led me to discover that there was a yoga studio in the Mega Plus Building near my workplace. The Korean literally read Mega Plusu Building.

Again, disappointment! I found my way in, but the price tag was even higher ($400 for 3 months). I don't even know if I like yoga, let alone in a sauna! I was feeling pretty sure yoga studios could be cheaper than this, so I continued on, somewhat disheartened.

Then a few days later, wonder of wonders, I found a studio in the same building that I work in, only a floor above. A dream come true! I wandered in and was immediately offered jasmine tea. Then the woman there proceeded to very earnestly explain to me in Korean what they did at the studio. She was aware of my lack of language skills, so many of her explanations were accompanied by sign language and acting. It was like a very elaborate game of charades, but even if I said the right answer, neither of us knew. After about 30 minutes and a drum performance by the other woman in the studio, they called another woman who worked there that spoke fluent English. We set an appointment for the next day.

I went in feeling very hopeful. The atmosphere was peaceful, the women were nice and it was so close! What could be wrong with it?

Well... I've always been one to respect mysticism from a distance, but as soon as the woman started talking about my fire energy and my water energy and how I had blockages in my heart, head and intestines that needed to be cleared, I began to have misgivings. According to her, people are supposed to have water in their head, and fire in their intestines, but most people (obviously including myself, otherwise, why would I need the studio?) had their fire energy in their head and their water energy in their intestines. She was very disappointed to hear that I did not have a stomachache or a headache, let alone severe migraines or gastrointestinal problems.

Then it got kinda weird. She asked if I had time for her to clear the blockages and when I said that I was free for another 30 minutes, she led me into a small room with a mat. There she proceeded to test my flexibility and my balance. She seemed also disappointed by the fact that I could stand on one foot for ten seconds, but was pleased when I fell over while trying to balance with my eyes closed. This was because I lacked internal focus (duh). (btw, you should try balancing on one foot with your eyes closed- it's very hard). Apparently my heart had blockages, because when she pressed hard on my sternum, it hurt. And then she proceeded to massage my intestines for 10 minutes.

There's really no way I can explain that.

Obviously, I also had blockages there, because when she shoved her palm into my gut, it was painful. But she assured me that after she used her healing energy, my stomach's fire energy would be restored.

I do not recommend having your intestines massaged. It is simultaneously painful, ticklish and awkward. After 10 minutes, my stomach certainly was feeling much warmer, which was proof of my spiritual recalibration.

And then at the end, the price tag again. I could have all this (which included three weekly one hour sessions with drumming, dancing, singing and some yoga), for... $300 for 3 months. WTF mate??? Oh yes, and I also was told that there were three different plans I could buy. A three month membership would allow me to pour out the mud that was in my body, a six month plan would then wash away the remains of the mud and a year plan would allow me to fill my body with clean water.

...

I have still not joined a yoga studio, though there is yet another that I am planning on checking out. Wish me luck...