Coconut 101

It may come as little surprise that in Hawaii, there are coconuts. In fact, on our very beaches, there are coconuts looming above our heads, threatening to fall upon us at any moment and crack our heads open. Perhaps because of this fear, or because we are often bored or hungry, we spend hours upon hours cracking open coconuts, drinking the milk, and prying out the meat. In the past months my coworkers and I have done our best to master the art of coconut opening and collecting.

Yogaboy is our resident tree climber. Standing at about 6 feet tall, his long arms and legs seem built for scaling palm trees. On our first adventure in the field, when we were still quite fresh off the boat, I returned to camp bearing a single coconut I'd found from where it had fallen on the ground. Inspired, Yogaboy left with a rake and returned with six. He has since gained the dubious honor of being the coconut guru, when sent to our best coconut beach, Pohue, he will monkey his ways up impossibly tall palm trees and demand his partner throw a rake to him so he can bring down large clumps of green coconuts. These he tends to stab with a stake and then drink the milk before discarding the husk. He ignores the meat, since green coconuts have thin layers of meat anyway and he prefers the milk.

Belle is our second best coconut forager. On one of our adventures in the backcountry, I found myself suddenly alone when moments previously I'd been threading through the underbrush on the way to a secluded snorkeling spot with Belle at my side. I retraced my steps to find her with her thighs wrapped around a palm tree, ten feet up the trunk, tugging on some very reluctant coconuts. Though those particular nuts proved too tenacious to pull down, between the two of us, we managed to get down a few from another tree for a refreshing afternoon treat. This may have involved me standing on Belle's shoulders, but since neither of us have the reach that Yogaboy can manage, we do what we can.

Now, once you actually have a coconut in your possession, you still have a long way to go. Since we happen to have plenty of time on our hands, there's really no problem spending hours upon hours smashing the husk with a rock and peeling it away, piece by piece. This was what I did with my first coconut, and after three hours of hard labor, minor splinters and abrasions from the lava rock, I had a beautifully husked coconut before me. Believe me, I have never had such delicious coconut meat as that. And I got to get in touch with my Neanderthal side. HALLEY SMASH COCONUT!!

In the months that have followed, I've gotten a little better at breaking coconuts. I'm still restricted to collecting them from the ground or using the shoulders of my fellows, since I haven't managed to scale a palm tree taller than 10 feet and by now Yogaboy has quite cleaned out the shorter trees. It no longer takes me 3 hours to break open a coconut, just this past week I shucked one in less than 30 minutes. Go me! Opening coconuts like a boss.

Here's my advice for opening coconuts:

Pick a coconut that is on the lighter side. Dark colored coconuts are very mature- their milk won't be that good, their meat will be thick and nutty, which is nice, but it will be hard to scoop out and you will be risking flinging coconut across the beach when you break it out of the shell. (Of course, this has nothing to do with personal experience and accidentally hitting my coworkers and/or turtles with flung coconut).

If you want coconut meat, get yourself a nice sharp lava rock and settle down- If you've got a stake or machete on hand, awesome! but really, let's be honest here. As turtlers we spend our time on remote island beaches- how often are you going to find a stake/machete? Much more likely, you'll be getting in touch with your caveman side. Just make sure to thank Pele before you use her lava rocks. Don't want to bring the night marchers down on your ass for not thanking the volcano goddess. (Night marchers are an odd Hawaiian legend- apparently ancient spirits of Hawaiian soldiers are supposed to walk along the lava rock at night to the sound of drumbeats and will be pissed off at you if you are not naked and lying on the ground when they stop by.)

Smash the top where the stem attached, not the sides- You will have to spend hours upon hours if you smash the sides. I don't know why this is, but it is much easier if you only smash the top and then peel. I have learned this the hard way. Let my pain be a lesson for you.

When you crack through the shell itself, have a bowl on hand or make sure to go through the holes in the top- If you just crack through willy nilly, you will end up soaked in coconut milk. And if you are camping out on a beach, you will continue to smell like slowly rotting coconut milk for the next few days until you finish your work week and get to go home for a shower.

Four limbs are better than one- It's not worth looking cool. You're husking a coconut for goodness sakes! Use your hands and your feet. Just don't use your head. Coconuts are awfully hard. And don't use your teeth. Rats can do that, but our teeth don't grow back the way that theirs do.

Enjoy!- You just husked a coconut, goddammit. That better be the best coconut ever.